Cher may be able to belt out a soft-rock anthem, but she needs some help with her tweets
You always seemed like a capable broad to me, Cher (@Cher). Any woman who can belt out a soft-rock anthem while straddling a ship's cannon and wearing a thong/fishnet combo is usually in possession of a "can do" attitude.
Twitter, however, seems to be the exception to the rule. Yours is a twitter feed brimming with despair, technological loathing and BIZARRELY plAced CAPITAL letters: "Ok I've got to fix this! I'm So lame I have NO IDEA HOW THIS WORKS!"
Last week, you tweeted: "Where is twitter Angel when u need 1." I'm here, Cher, and we can sort this mess out. Believe.
Who you gonna tweet?
The chaotic nature of your Twitter ("Where's Spanky >^#^+F=��>U> *?Ft)@C?*>*�?<%~K$(?") is a big concern, but it could be explained by the state of your mobile phone. The moment you tweeted "My iPhone is Fkn possessed!" and "Fk-IT Even PICTURES R HAUNTED!" it became clear that you needed the sort of assistance that a nerd at the Apple Store was not able to provide. Luckily, help is at hand. Speak to @ghostbusters, Cher. They ain't afraid of no haunted iPhones. It says so on the business cards.
Tap into the Twitter hive mind
Being "Cher" is a time-consuming business. The amount of heavy-duty bikini waxing it takes to wear those leotards alone must leave you with very little time for newspapers. Never fear! Your 192,000 followers will be only too keen to keep you up to date. Asking "Who or what is Cher Lloyd?" was a good start. Now if you could just find out what a "Jedward" and a "Peter Andre" is, you will be fully up to speed.
Art attack
It was about time someone tried to inject a bit of culture into Twitter and I am glad it was you. Your photoshopped pictures of you as famous paintings have been a joy. The Cher with the Pearl Earring and Frid-Cher Kahlo were a good start. I, and the BBC's Culture Show, await the Mona Lis-Cher and Girl in a Cher-mise with bated breath.
Haters gonna hate
"I must b very naive cause I still don't understand why people who don't like me come here? Seems mean 4 no reason." Welcome to the arse-end of the internet, Cher. A place where angry, bug-eyed virgins enjoy firing badly spelled abuse at people who have done nothing to deserve it. There is a brilliant button you can use to block them. Use it. Don't let them ruin the fun times.
Lots of love, @scouserachel
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