Fashion faux pas at awards are legendary, but how to avoid a dress disaster? Plus, follow the cowboy boot code
Email sartorial dilemmas to ask.hadley@guardian.co.uk
Now we are in the film awards season can you resolve this long-burning question: why do actresses wear such terrible dresses to these ceremonies?
Susannah, by email
Long-burning, eh? You should probably get some cream for that. But in the meantime, hopefully I can provide some verbal balm.
This is an issue up there with some of the greatest unresolved questions of our time: where do crop circles come from? Isn't the mystery of Dan Brown's success more mystifying than whatever the mystery is in The Da Vinci Code? And most of all, how does that face of Jesus appear on the piece of toast? (And how does Jesus stay so skinny when he has apparently been living in a simple carbohydrate for the past millenia?) Well, the Jesus Toast issues will have to remain opaque for the moment but the fashion award (non) chic puzzler will be revealed exclusively here, now.
Imagine you are an actress. Your entire life is built on the tenuous foundation that is public appeal, a foundation more shaky than the most temperamental fault line in California.
Just as a drug addict believes the only thing that makes his nigh-on-unbearable life just about bearable is his drugs (when that is, of course, what is ruining his life), so you believe that fame is the lifeline that rescues you from the choppy waters of mediocrity (even though it is, of course, the thing that will eventually drive you insane with paranoia, narcissism and loneliness) As such, your entire year is geared around these awards shindigs because, never mind the films you appear in and your acting ability, as your colleagues Kate Bosworth and Jennifer Aniston have long proven, all that matters is if the editors of In Style like what you wear on the red carpet ? as getting on magazine covers is what makes you a celebrity.
And so you reach for the clothing rail and choose . . . either the most boring dress in the world, or the ugliest dress in the world. Nailed it!
It's a strange dichotomy, isn't it? Actresses always ? always! ? wear either the most hideous dress doing the rounds (eg, January Jones at the Emmy awards, pictured, looking like she'd just been puked on by a Blue Meanie), or the most boring dress ever invented (Jennifer Aniston, always). Both are born from the same mentality: fear.
Those who wear ugly dresses live in fear of the high-fashion mags such as Vogue and proceed to confuse "fashion forward" with "Blue Meanie vomit". And those who wear boring dresses live in fear of the mass-market magazines such as OK! and therefore choose the most innocuous dress style on the planet, AKA the beige sheathe.
The other fear that unites all parties here is fear of the personal stylist and the misguided belief so many celebrities have that their personal stylist knows what looks good better than them, despite these stylists' almost universal lack of qualifications beyond knowledge of the Jimmy Choo PR's phone number.
Thus, one is left with three morals that are also the morals to so many modern tales: the celebrity media is far too dominant for anyone's good; fame turns already dotty people even dottier, and have more faith in your own judgment instead of listening to idiots.
I love my cowboy boots ? they give me a certain swagger. Is it acceptable to wear them on my wedding day?
Paul Harris, New York
Perhaps, lacking a pair of cowboy boots of my own, Paul, I feel a definite lack of swagger about answering your question. You clearly know there is something a little wrong about these boots, otherwise you wouldn't have prefaced your question with a defence. Yet you are also quite clearly determined to wear them.
Now, this puts me in something of a quandary as I am a strong supporter of fashion freedom and people wearing whatever they damn well want. But I am also very against the idea of people dressing for a job that they do not have and, as I do not believe you are a cowboy, then I do not believe you should wear cowboy boots. I mean really, Paul, aren't they just a sneaky way for you to wear high heels? And cowboy boots at a wedding? Does that not have ominous smack of Brokeback Mountain?
But, sigh, my loyalty to fashion freedom must triumph. Wear them, and wear them well ? at least, as well as cowboy boots can be worn. And best of luck to you and the lucky future Mrs Harris.
Charlize Theron Eva Mendes Sarah Polley Aisha Tyler K. D. Aubert
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