Teetotalism is all the rage for younger stars, but it could lead to a mammoth midlife crisis
Daniel Radcliffe has been talking about why he has given up drinking. The 21-year-old Harry Potter star went teetotal in August last year because he had "become reliant on alcohol to enjoy stuff". Frankly, who can blame him? With his level of fame, it's a miracle he is able to enjoy anything.
It must get incredibly annoying constantly to encounter people pointing imaginary wands at you, screaming: "Stupefy" and: "Expecto patronum". Or looking deep into your eyes and doing a really spooky Dementor face. Or at least that's what I would do if I saw him. Especially if I had been drinking.
But Radcliffe's in good company. Abstinence is the new early-onset alcoholism. Coming out this month is an annual survey by the NHS Information Centre which is expected to show a rise in the number of young people who have never had a drink. At the same time, it shows a 21% decline in the number of children under the age of 16 needing hospital treatment for alcohol-related problems. Binge Britain is dead. Jolly well done us.
But let us put aside for a moment the fact that we seem to be celebrating having "fewer" under-16s in alcohol-related hospital care. (Why are there any at all?) Let us focus instead on what matters: the young celebrities queuing up to wheeze angelically into some kind of metaphorical public Breathalyser barely after they've reached the legal drinking age. Here they come: Teetotallers Not-So-Anonymous.
The singer Jessie J, 23, may insist in her song that we do it like a brother, do it like a dude. But she draws the line at half a shandy. Kelly Osbourne, 26, gave up alcohol two years ago after three visits to rehab, citing a "genetic fault". Television presenter Fearne Cotton, 29, has not had a drink for three years: "I feel bloody brilliant." Hurrah. If it helps her speak more clearly, I say it is all to the good.
Model Daisy Lowe, 22, describes herself as a "soberista", an appellation which makes you yearn for a reviving shot of hemlock. Gossip Girl actress Blake Lively was in rehab at the age of 21 and is now teetotal. "I don't want to go to a club and not wear panties." Oh dear, this is a completely separate problem. But congratulations anyway.
There is something very sad about people labelling themselves as alcoholics before they're even 30. Come on, guys, at least give yourselves a few years for the problem to develop into something really devastating and worthy of your celebrity status! Singer and record producer Calvin Harris says he quit drinking eight months ago after a series of "embarrassing incidents". Calvin, please. What were you thinking? The whole point of a celebrity's life is to heap shame upon yourself as publicly as possible.
Alcohol can ruin lives and I'm the first to admire anyone who is in control of their drinking. In my late teens and 20s, I was what the tabloids call a binge drinker. It was the result of having depression and not wanting to face up to it. I am now careful not to drink too much because I know that I'll have to give up completely. So I praise these young people's self-mastery ? but only up to a point.
The "hello Sunday morning" teen abstinence movement might seem like a good idea. But actually it's just storing up a mammoth midlife crisis. If you thought Friday night in a town centre was ugly now, imagine how much worse it would be if the participants were middle aged. At least the binge drinkers we have at the moment are youthful and attractive.
What wrong's here is that drinking is a symptom, not a problem in itself, although obviously it rapidly becomes one. If you don't drink, you still have the same problems, just sober. OK, so it's better to be clear-headed and messed-up rather than under a park bench swigging Diamond White and howling at the moon. (Me, circa 1997. And there was no moon.) But either way, the mess is still there.
Role models can't hurt either, but there's a limit. Imagine you are a troubled teenager from a difficult background with no access to anyone who really cares about you. When proffered a can of extra-strength lager, you are fairly unlikely to think: "What would Fearne Cotton do?" Instead, you'll drink and enjoy escaping your miserable life, blissfully unaware that you're creating a whole new set of problems.
Daniel Radcliffe's experience sounds less about alcohol and more about the pressures of coping with celebrity: "There were a few years there when I was just so enamoured with the idea of living some sort of famous person's lifestyle that really isn't suited to me."
That's a good enough reason to give up drinking for a while. But it's important to see that the drink was not the problem in itself. Don't let the wavers of the imaginary wand off the hook, Harry! Sorry, I mean Daniel.
As for Calvin Harris and his embarrassments, Google points to reports of a "drunken dive shame" where he once plunged into the audience at a concert. Call the cops! A rock star crowd-surfed! Next thing you know he'll be thrusting his groin in our faces.
Which is where we run into trouble with the celebrity teetotal movement. Or, rather, we don't run into trouble. We run into a village hall where everyone is sipping cups of tea and murmuring about how changeable the weather is. It is but a short stumble from rock'n'roll to rock cakes. If you're hanging out in Hagrid's hut that tea party might be fun. But in the real world no teenager is going to buy into it. Butterbeers all round.
Natassia Malthe Victoria Silvstedt Hilary Swank Whitney Port Minka Kelly
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